Palmtree Contemplations

This past month has been hard for several reasons. However, amidst all the confusion and loss, I began to notice big differences in how my body handled the stress of this winter and last. By this time last year, I had had one bout of bronchitis, and was well on my way to a second. I coughed my way through most of last year's winter, and slept through much of the rest of it. This year, even with multiple things going wrong, my body still hadn't collapsed the way I've come to expect. The thought snuck in: maybe I don't have Lyme anymore. I thought about being free from Lyme on my way to the specialist yesterday. What would it be like? Of course, I'd have to keep it a secret for a few months, just until they confirm it. The excitement of the possible diagnosis pulled me through the cold walk from my car to the specialist's office.  Nicole worked through several different issues I've been having, prescribing a round of progesterone and, of course, vitami

Here I am Barefoot and cold, Kicking up moments in the grey Their sunset edges bright Red, orange, and gold, The remains of a grace filled day. Here I am Pretty but sad Laughing at empty jokes that fall Dead on the ground with their Parachutes broken, An attempt to make gladness crawl. Here I am Thoughtful by night Filling the moonlit hours with songs, Notes binding open wounds 'Neath blustering skies. Mercy's salt makes a weak voice strong. Here I am Walking through fog Lamps gleam above, unblinking eyes Guard the way with golden Beams, faith's true color, For tomorrow the sun will rise. Here I am Rambling and lost Finding my way through freezing rain To where you stand, arms and Umbrella open To shield and strengthen in the pain. Here I am Hugging you close As we take the rudder and steer A clear path through this storm, Smiling at lightning. We are bound for home. Do not fear.

I grew up beside a river.  Every morning I woke up to its silent current running past my house. It was always there, shaping my days with its seasons and storms. Every year, it dropped during dry season, and tall, sharp, grass grew up along the banks in bright green swaths. Every year, the river rose again, and sometime during the winter break I might wake up to find that huge grass islands had been cut free by the current and were being gently carried past my house. It was silent, yes, but oh so powerful.  My favorite way to end the day was to dive off the dock at sunset and float until the stars came out. I knew how to lay in the calm backwater, where the current would not get me, but most of the time I let the current take me downriver. I enjoyed the letting go, the way nothing was required of me but to rest and let the current carry me.  My sister-in-law Hayden died on Tuesday. Writing this sentence does not feel real in any way. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN, I keep saying t

252, 330! As of ten minutes ago, this is my total step count for the Step Into Their Shoes Campaign. This has been a long month of walking and realizations. Here's a break down of my experience of the charity walk week to week. Week 1 Yippee! Rise and shine and walk! Seriously, this is how I felt every day of that first week when I woke up early to get a long walk in before breakfast. When I came home from work in the evening, I finished up however many steps I had left with a long walk around my neighborhood. Here's the thing: I took all of my walks alone. ALONE. Come to think of it, I've made a habit of walking alone since childhood. We weren't supposed to go out in the jungle by ourselves, but I did all the time...with my dog and my machete. (Quite the lethal trio) Most of the time, though, I've been alone on my walks since. After college, I used to walk around my university town alone late at night, and I did the same thing when I lived in Seoul. In many p

Here is the story, as simple as I can tell it. For years now, I have been made more and more aware of how prevalent sex trafficking is in our country. I live very close to what is a hub of this industry: Milwaukee. Crazy, right? If you walk along the Lakefront, it's difficult to believe that such a beautiful place is the home of such a destructive thing, but it is. Here's a link if you want more information. http://www.wisn.com/article/local-woman-tries-to-stop-milwaukee-s-spiraling-sex-trade/9642735 I've wanted to do something about this for a long time, and have felt unable to because of Lyme disease. In the past couple of months, though, I have been amazed by a renewed sense of energy. For a few weeks now, I have woken up often before the sun, something that has not happened for a long time. I finally have the strength to do something, however small, about this problem. For the entire month of October, I will be walking 50, 000 steps a week to raise money for women

This white tattered page reminds me of you And your crumpled morning hair, Your sleepy eyes finding my face, Your smiles made of sunshine's truth. This page with its crooked edges and creases worn Reminds me of our talks, Our walks. The ways and words so familiar and new As we tumble, and fumble, and stumble Our way down these grassy detours. But the grass becomes a path, The path widens to a road, And that road of dried ink Leads to the world of what really happened. "This page had its chance", or so they all said. "This page was a goner", lost to the trash bin Where lesser words go to hide. But this page, like you, turns instead To the wide, unexplored spaces, Where the ink is still fresh, The paths yet uncut. Though folded, though used, This page is not finished And neither are you, With your wit, your fire, Those dreams and desires You are not finished, Keep wearing your tattered edges Like a coat in the storm. You are not finis

Here is a quick update for those of you still interested in my journey with Lyme Disease. I have not been cleared yet, but things are looking really good, which I can't believe I'm saying. During my most recent trip to my specialist, we both experienced a bit of a surprise. My body is definitely wanting more Lyme treatment, but also a whole host of other things that have more to do with rebuilding my system than they do with detoxing. I am now taking more pills for adrenal support and tinctures for gut health, something I wouldn't have expected six months ago. My morning and evening routine now consists of adding tinctures to water, something akin to Potions class at Hogwarts, without any exciting steam or bubbles. If you ever want to make my particular version of Potion Water, here's the recipe: 10 drops Scolopendrium- for the cleansing of lymph passageways. *** Note: tastes and smells delightfully like wine. 5 drops Bowel Pathogen Nosode- for the cleansing of t

When it rains, I go for walks. My roommates have now grown accustomed to me bounding down the stairs during a thunderstorm. When I'm happy, rain seems happy too, as it washes the dust from the trees, and helps my flowering tomato plants grow. Lately, though, rain seems fitting because I am crying a lot, and it helps when the rest of the world looks like its crying, too. I went back to my specialist last week, and we found more Lyme. Over the past two months, the return of certain symptoms had clued me into the fact that I wasn't done taking tinctures or detox baths. Still, a small part of me wanted to hear her say, "Yeah, it's gone. You're finished." I gladly went for a stroll later in the rain. That's the other great thing about storms: people aren't outside to see you crying.  Shortly after I was first diagnosed with Lyme disease, I found a song by For King and Country called, "It's Not Over Yet." It struck me as fitting because

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3: 1-3a A good detox bath is hot, near boiling. Our bathtub does not reach the temperatures I desire for my weekly ritual, and so I resort to heating pots of water on the stove, adding their steaming contents to my already hot bath for maximum effectiveness.  I usually take my bath on Sunday afternoon, when my roommates are gone with their families and I have the house to myself. The burner ignites underneath the largest pot, and the other three sit grouped around it on the stove, like children awaiting their turn. I sit and read, testing the temperature of the largest pot between pages. It's ready. Now, the kettle is turned on, now the other two pots. Wait, sit, read. Now the pots are near boiling. I start

I went to see my specialist this past week, and she didn't find any Lyme. It was the strangest thing. Nicole ran test after test, looking for it everywhere. For a while, we both leaned in towards the screen, watching the readings. After a while, I couldn't handle it anymore and sat back in my chair. "This is so exciting," Nicole said. "You nervous?" "Yeah. It's gotta be in there somewhere, right?" I said, not wanting to be disappointed if we did find it. But that machine kept beeping, and the line kept reading negative. "I can't find it," Nicole said decisively. We both agreed it might be hiding out somewhere, and I still needed to do everything I have been doing up until now to support my body. Delicate flower. That's what I am, with or without Lyme. Without Lyme.  I felt like I was in someone else's body. How could I not have Lyme? For the longest time I have wanted only to be rid of this illness, and don't g

And so I have arrived, After a few months that blur and melt in my mind, Like watercolors on a wet page. This is not where I stop, But it is where I rest, For a moment, a simple moment To watch the sweet sun move an inch. (Pause) The trees all have clothes,    where once they were naked. The grass has grown up emerald,    with tulips and daffies for jewels. My heart has softened    enough to be hurt again. My soul has gained glasses,    the better not to be fooled. Music keeps me awake,    giving light to the shadows, Melodies new and old,    spilling out like beads from a broken chain. So, I have arrived, Or have I? For the moment of sun gazing is gone, I stand blinking like a baby, Thoughts rushing in the quiet. I crossed a bridge I didn't see, And stand on the other side, considering. So, I arrived,      Only to leave again. So much for the seeking, the asking, the dreaming, the planning, the cooking, the sleeping, the practicing, and t

The river I cross in the woods, Heart thudding, legs kicking, Is wider than my tired soul        may take me. Be the love that guides me onward, The faith I find among the trees. The trail I follow through this desert Chest aching, feet stumbling, Is longer than all my quick wits         may endure. Be the will that sends me forward, The hope I doubt but say is sure. The safehold I seek on the cliffs , Lungs heaving, arms straining, Is further than all my strength          may bear me, Be the grace that pulls me upward, The truth I know yet cannot see.

I had another meeting with my specialist, and while we both agree that there are still a lot of things wrong with me (Gu, I am looking at you) I am definitely improving all around. We are doubling a dosage of a specific supplement, which means the next couple of weeks will probably be rough. But then, again, none of this is predictable, so maybe I'll be super energetic all the time. After my meeting with her, I came home and had two incredible days. There have been many times in this journey with Lyme when I have wondered what is wrong with my brain. Why can't I remember things? Why is it so hard to move from one task to another? Why do I sometimes feel as though it is impossible for me to think beyond the next few days, or even the next few hours? Lyme has shrunk my ability to think clearly. Lately, though, I keep having these days of clarity and quick thinking. The other night, I marveled at how I could be thinking about making dinner, the book I was reading, what I shoul

Hey friends! Here is another quick update on all things Lyme and Gu in my life. It's been six weeks since Nichole told me I had Gu Syndrome. The first few weeks after that were hard. I started off too strong with the Gu treatment, taking one pill a day. This resulted in one of the worst days/weeks I have had a long time. I had difficult sleeping, intense brain fog, and a lot of aching in my joints. I now know the following: Serpent Pearls are for every other day, no more, no less. February came, and the headlines read: GIRL DIES FROM WORST HEAD COLD EVER. Not really, but it was pretty awful. I did think my nose might explode from the pressure a few times. Also, I never thought that using a Netti Pot could be so horrific. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say my morning rinses would have been an excellent setting for a scene from Ridley Scott's Alien films. I am currently teaching 39 piano students and also working as a nanny/tutor in the mornings. This ha

I close the turquoise journal and slide it into the barely available slot next to all my other journals. Writing it was a process I disliked most of the time. After reading it, though, I decide it is one of my favorites, because I can see my growth and change in so many ways. The most obvious one? My handwriting changed directly after my 25th birthday, a literal expression of inner turmoil being worked through and released. My eyes trace the colors and heights of each journal on the shelf. There's the green, thin one from my junior year of college, which is full of poetry. There's a grey one begun my second summer at Windermere, a conference center in Missouri. There's the black and white one from the summer I sold books in Wisconsin with Southwestern advantage. And there's that cream and purple one- I pull it off the shelf, thumbing through it towards the back, looking for a specific entry. After a few moments I find it. September 3, 2012 "My energy has

This is a quick update for anyone interested in my Lyme journey. The past couple of months have been up and down physically. I had a pretty bad bout of bronchitis back in December, and was very unmotivated to do much but rest. Thankfully I was able to do a lot of that and only had to show up for piano lessons in the evenings. Yesterday I went to see my doctor and while there is still a lot going on in my body, we were both pleased by the fact that I was able to fight off the bronchitis with a minimum of antibiotics. A year ago, I would not have been able to do that. When she read for Lyme with the bio meridian machine, it wasn't as strong as it has been the past few times, which was also super encouraging. We decided to take a break from the tinctures I've been taking for that in order to focus on a new, exciting thing we found in my body: Gu Syndrome. Side note: try saying Gu Syndrome, pronounced "Goo Syndrome." It's fun. I only just found out about this sy