Health Update: Sick, But Sometimes Better

I had another meeting with my specialist, and while we both agree that there are still a lot of things wrong with me (Gu, I am looking at you) I am definitely improving all around. We are doubling a dosage of a specific supplement, which means the next couple of weeks will probably be rough. But then, again, none of this is predictable, so maybe I'll be super energetic all the time.

After my meeting with her, I came home and had two incredible days. There have been many times in this journey with Lyme when I have wondered what is wrong with my brain. Why can't I remember things? Why is it so hard to move from one task to another? Why do I sometimes feel as though it is impossible for me to think beyond the next few days, or even the next few hours? Lyme has shrunk my ability to think clearly.

Lately, though, I keep having these days of clarity and quick thinking. The other night, I marveled at how I could be thinking about making dinner, the book I was reading, what I should do after dinner, the budget I needed to spend more time working through, and what pieces I still need to work on for a wedding next month. These thoughts came within moments of each other, and I was not overwhelmed by them as I have been in the past. I let each of them come, have their turn, and then I acted on all of them, which is the bigger victory.

Then today happened. I woke up and would have thrown up everything in my system, except that there wasn't anything left after one long trip to the bathroom. I think I may have eaten something that my body did not agree with, or maybe I caught some kind of flu bug, or maybe my body just likes pulling pranks on me. Regardless of the reason, I have been housebound all day, feeling weak and nauseated, and only within the last hour have I begun to feel better.

I'm frustrated, of course. Who isn't in situations like this? Lately, though, my mindset has begun changing regarding a lot of what I have been through. It is so easy to look at my circumstances and think, "This is NOT what I want or who I want to be." I have spent so much time saying that, and losing myself in mind numbing activities to block the pain of my particular suffering. I don't often allow myself to sit with my suffering, feel it completely, acknowledge it, and let it shape me.

I have been reading two books recently that are helping me think through all of this. One is Tim Keller's Walking With God through Pain and Suffering. Keller is helping me focus my thoughts on and experiences of suffering while viewing them in light of philosophy, history, and the reality of God. It's a good book, one I wouldn't mind discussing with people, so if you're reading this, and you want to have a good book discussion, please don't hesitate to message me.

The other book is Rose From Brier, by the one and only Amy Carmichael. I knew that Amy Carmichael suffered a great deal before her death, but this book has helped me realize that even in her suffering she found a way to reach out to people. The book is really helpful if you are going through illness, because Amy was sick when she wrote it.

I am doing a lot of resting lately, and this had led to more talks with God about people and things that matter to me. I am grateful for the chance to spend that time with Him. If you're reading this, and you have something you'd like me to pray for, please don't hesitate to ask. I am resting for much of this next week, and will have time.