Health Update: Still A Lyme Girl

This past month has been hard for several reasons. However, amidst all the confusion and loss, I began to notice big differences in how my body handled the stress of this winter and last. By this time last year, I had had one bout of bronchitis, and was well on my way to a second. I coughed my way through most of last year's winter, and slept through much of the rest of it. This year, even with multiple things going wrong, my body still hadn't collapsed the way I've come to expect. The thought snuck in: maybe I don't have Lyme anymore.

I thought about being free from Lyme on my way to the specialist yesterday. What would it be like? Of course, I'd have to keep it a secret for a few months, just until they confirm it. The excitement of the possible diagnosis pulled me through the cold walk from my car to the specialist's office. 

Nicole worked through several different issues I've been having, prescribing a round of progesterone and, of course, vitamin D. 

I still have Lyme. 

The moment came and went before I actually registered it. Nicole showed me that she was recommending a large dose of tick pathogen drops, and then moved on to discussing my immune system. I didn't register this at first, but then-

I still have Lyme. That's what the tick pathogen drops are for. 

We finished the appointment, and I made my way to my car, struggling not to cry. Why did I get my hopes up that this was over? 

I guess I wanted it to be my Christmas present. I wanted to wake up on Christmas Day, look around and say, "Hey, we did it. We're Lyme free." In a way, I thought I deserved it, and had done enough of the work required to be completely better. But my body isn't finished with it, so it doesn't really matter what I want. My body has the last say. 

In the grand scheme of things, I know this doesn't matter. It still hurts, though. It hurts that I'm still a Lyme girl, that I'm still this delicate flower, and might be delicate for the rest of my life. Even when I get over Lyme, I will still have immune system issues, methylation issues, and other things wrong with me. I'd like to put that on a T-shirt: Hello. There are lots of things wrong with me. 

Even when I'm free, I'll still be scarred. 

I keep telling myself that this is not the end, and even if it is, God still wins. It's not a very fun truth, most of the time. I think people say it as a comfort, and it is, but it's also very hard for me as a human to accept. "Okay, God wins, but I'd like some control over here. Let me have some control. Let me have a Christmas without Lyme disease! Come on!" The speck of dust that is me wants to put a raging dent in the universe, yet I am brushed aside as we all are, just another speck of dust trying to make some noise. 

Life is but a breath. If the last month has taught me anything it's that I have to honest in that breath. Honest about how hard and scary and hurtful life is to me. Honest about my scars and my burdens, my complete lack of ability to give God anything that He needs. I also need to be honest with myself about the Gospel, for without the Gospel, I am just a meaningless speck of dust.  I have to be honest and say to my feelings, huge as they may seem, "There is a truth greater than this pain, and it does not disappoint. There is more work that can be done through this pain. Let Him shape you with it."