Thankful
When I was getting ready to come home from Korea, I made a chain of paper links to help me count down the days until I left. Everyday when I came home tired, frustrated, and achy, I would rip a paper link off the chain, flatten it out, and write down one thing I was thankful for that day. Then I tucked the piece of paper into an old shoe box.
This was hard for me. Generally I would consider myself to be a fairly creative person, but somedays it was a real struggle to think of something I could express gratitude about to God. I said to Him repeatedly, "This is so hard. Why do I have to do this?" The humorous side of me likes to imagine God replying, "Well, dear one, this was your idea. I don't know that you HAVE to do this." With my days full of constant stress, screaming children, cross cultural confusion, exhaustion, and brain fog, it sometimes seemed impossible to come up with anything I could hold up to God and say, "Thanks for this."
I persevered though, because I wanted to have something more than a bunch of journal entries full of angst. I wanted to turn my heart towards God and remember His presence, even on the days when that seemed impossible.
Reading back over these little slips of paper is like finding stray bits of sunshine. I remember all of the people who helped me make it: Anna, with her soup, prayers, and love for all things Korean; Ray, who let me go with her to any and every event, bought me dinner, and hugged me on that one really awful day; the Quarles, inviting a complete stranger to join them and their friends during break; the Conns, who helped me pack up my apartment and bought me dinner my last weekend; Anna Teacher, my Korean co-teacher, sharing the craziness of eight five year olds with me and somehow managing to smile through it all; my friends at church praying over me before I left; the kids who wrote me notes on the board every week and helped me whenever I forgot thing; and, of course, the wonderful little corner shop owner who made the best kimbap and wasabi in Seoul.
There were days that I skipped the whole thankfulness thing and did it later, more as a chore than a discipline. Sometimes I would start crying at God because I had just spent the whole day at home feeling tired and sad and absolutely not thankful for anything. Honestly, in the past few months I have felt more anger and hurt in my relationship with God than I thought possible. He's been distant, and in some ways He still is. I am trying, though, to believe Him first and take Him at His word that He loves me and knows what best for me. I am trying to believe, and find Him in thankfulness even if it's just me saying, "Thanks for being with me today."
This was hard for me. Generally I would consider myself to be a fairly creative person, but somedays it was a real struggle to think of something I could express gratitude about to God. I said to Him repeatedly, "This is so hard. Why do I have to do this?" The humorous side of me likes to imagine God replying, "Well, dear one, this was your idea. I don't know that you HAVE to do this." With my days full of constant stress, screaming children, cross cultural confusion, exhaustion, and brain fog, it sometimes seemed impossible to come up with anything I could hold up to God and say, "Thanks for this."
I persevered though, because I wanted to have something more than a bunch of journal entries full of angst. I wanted to turn my heart towards God and remember His presence, even on the days when that seemed impossible.
Reading back over these little slips of paper is like finding stray bits of sunshine. I remember all of the people who helped me make it: Anna, with her soup, prayers, and love for all things Korean; Ray, who let me go with her to any and every event, bought me dinner, and hugged me on that one really awful day; the Quarles, inviting a complete stranger to join them and their friends during break; the Conns, who helped me pack up my apartment and bought me dinner my last weekend; Anna Teacher, my Korean co-teacher, sharing the craziness of eight five year olds with me and somehow managing to smile through it all; my friends at church praying over me before I left; the kids who wrote me notes on the board every week and helped me whenever I forgot thing; and, of course, the wonderful little corner shop owner who made the best kimbap and wasabi in Seoul.
There were days that I skipped the whole thankfulness thing and did it later, more as a chore than a discipline. Sometimes I would start crying at God because I had just spent the whole day at home feeling tired and sad and absolutely not thankful for anything. Honestly, in the past few months I have felt more anger and hurt in my relationship with God than I thought possible. He's been distant, and in some ways He still is. I am trying, though, to believe Him first and take Him at His word that He loves me and knows what best for me. I am trying to believe, and find Him in thankfulness even if it's just me saying, "Thanks for being with me today."
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