A Journey of Discovery

The past semester has been a journey of discovering more about me and what God desires me to do. Coming here to John Brown University has forced me to ask myself important questions. Who am I? Who does God want me to be? How can I use what I am passionate about to change the world?

Who am I? I was born on November 24^th, 1991, in the beautiful, old, grimy, modern city of Manaus, Brasil. I grew up at an American boarding school twenty miles outside of the city where my parents work. My early childhood was filled with swimming in the Amazon, building forts in the jungle, and reading any books I could find. My father has been collecting books for years, something he passed onto me. He taught me everything I know about good literature by giving me good books from the time I could read. When I think of home, I see myself sitting at the table with him, both of us reading.  

My mother passed on a lot of things to me, among them her love and gift for music. Even when I was little, I was the one who always wanted music on and I knew what every CD in our collection had on it. I started taking piano lessons as a child and loved it. As I grew older, I kept on playing the piano. Some people go on and on about how they feel called to do something. I have never felt called to play the piano. I keep playing because I love it, and I can’t imagine what life would be like without playing.

During high school I was always one of the achievers. I got good grades, played on the girls’ soccer team, and helped lead a Bible study. Piano defined much of my life. I started playing for church when I was a freshman, helped lead high school chapel for three years, and taught beginning piano off and on throughout high school.

Being accepted to John Brown University was a surprise. I had my whole future planned out: attend my mission’s Bible school in Wisconsin for two years, then move on to ministry of some kind. I had all but given up on studying music because I knew how expensive it would be. Then one of my teachers, a woman I respected and loved, pulled me aside and told me, “I really don’t think you would be living up to your full potential if you went to this Bible school. You have a gift for music. You should be pursuing it.” Four months later, I was accepted at John Brown University and God provided the money I needed to come for the first year.  Remarkably, the amount of money I needed for my first year at JBU was nearly identical to how much I would have needed to go to Bible school.

So, this is who I am: a missionary kid from Brasil who loves books and music, and who wants to serve God. But, who is God shaping me into?

 The past few months were filled with confusing emotions, the main one being fear. I was afraid of not doing well in my classes, of being away from home, of not fitting in, and of people in general. I could feel my fears controlling me. I called home crying about it. My younger sister, Grace, got on the phone and reminded me of one of my favorite verses, II Timothy 1:7, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” That verse has become my theme for this semester. It is amazing to look back and see how God has calmed my fears. He has taught me to lean on Him for strength in all circumstances.

I feel that God is shaping me into someone who can serve Him more effectively. By teaching me to let go of my fears, He is enabling me to do harder things than I ever imagined myself doing. I never imagined that I would come to a school in Arkansas where I know virtually no one. Yet here I am, and what an incredible experience it has been. God’s dreams are always better and bigger than my fears. I am still afraid of things, but I am learning to surrender that fear to Him and allow Him to calm me.

God is also helping me learn how use my talent for music. Even though I came here with the sole purposes of studying music, I was still very afraid. What if I was not a good enough musician? What if I was completely wrong and was not supposed to serve God with my music?

My piano teacher is Dr. Linda Beckman. I still remember the first lesson I had where she assigned me the Sonata in G, by Beethoven. I have known this piece for a long time and assumed it would be simple. She told me to play, so I took a breath and began. She stopped me after the first chord and said, “All right. What do you know about Beethoven?” She went on to explain how Beethoven was a composer of opposites. He used two different dynamics constantly: loud and soft, rarely in between. “Now,” Beckman continued, “begin again.” I did, louder and much more forceful than before. After the first line she stopped me again. “Give me a singing melody line,” she said. Before I knew it, the half hour had passed and I was in the practice room trying to make the sonata sing. It was exhilarating to look at this simple piece and discover that it was not so simple after all. Day after day I was in the practice rooms playing more than I had ever been able to play in my life. Week after week I went in to see Beckman and we would work on the music of the masters: Beethoven, Chopin, Debussy, and Bach. It was two months before I finally played Sonata in G the way she wanted it, but I did not care.  The thrill of learning so much more than made up for the work. These past few months in the music program have confirmed for me that I want to pursue music as a career.

There still remains the question of how I can use what I am passionate about to change the world. One of the greatest parts of being in Honors Orientation was discovering what my spiritual gifts and strengths are. My strengths: Belief, Responsibility, Learning, Strategic, and Connectedness mostly what I expected. The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, and my beliefs flow out of that.  I was always an achiever in high school, so Responsibility makes a lot of sense. As for Learning, it is something that always thrills me.

As for Connectedness and Strategic, I spent the last few months mulling over whether or not I actually had these strengths. It was another journey of discovery. In Honors Orientation, I started noticing how quick I was to draw conclusions from the reading and how I could concisely voice my thoughts on different issues, all of which go with Strategic. In my relationships with people, I have also realized that I like making connections. Whenever someone would come to me with a problem, I would want to know the background of it, their history, and also how it was affecting their life right then. I wanted to see how everything fit together.

I have these strengths and my passion for music. What am I going to do with them? More and more I think that I want to teach overseas. I have a desire to spread the love I have for learning to other kids who are growing up between two cultures, like I did. I want to help other kids discover who God is, and what He can do with their lives. I have grown up moving in and out of two cultures, so I feel comfortable with that kind of life. I know what it is to be poor, so impoverished situations do not scare me. Wherever God wants me to go, I will go. Until then, I am going to prepare myself to be a good musician and teacher.

A lot has changed for me since coming into that first Honors Orientation class. I think I understand now why some students call it Honors Disorientation. God has stretched and challenged me over these past few months. In the beginning, I think I thought it would be a journey of discovering more about me, but really it has become a journey of discovering more about God and who He wants me to be. The journey is not over yet.