Palmtree Contemplations

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3: 1-3a A good detox bath is hot, near boiling. Our bathtub does not reach the temperatures I desire for my weekly ritual, and so I resort to heating pots of water on the stove, adding their steaming contents to my already hot bath for maximum effectiveness.  I usually take my bath on Sunday afternoon, when my roommates are gone with their families and I have the house to myself. The burner ignites underneath the largest pot, and the other three sit grouped around it on the stove, like children awaiting their turn. I sit and read, testing the temperature of the largest pot between pages. It's ready. Now, the kettle is turned on, now the other two pots. Wait, sit, read. Now the pots are near boiling. I start ...

I went to see my specialist this past week, and she didn't find any Lyme. It was the strangest thing. Nicole ran test after test, looking for it everywhere. For a while, we both leaned in towards the screen, watching the readings. After a while, I couldn't handle it anymore and sat back in my chair. "This is so exciting," Nicole said. "You nervous?" "Yeah. It's gotta be in there somewhere, right?" I said, not wanting to be disappointed if we did find it. But that machine kept beeping, and the line kept reading negative. "I can't find it," Nicole said decisively. We both agreed it might be hiding out somewhere, and I still needed to do everything I have been doing up until now to support my body. Delicate flower. That's what I am, with or without Lyme. Without Lyme.  I felt like I was in someone else's body. How could I not have Lyme? For the longest time I have wanted only to be rid of this illness, and don't g...

And so I have arrived, After a few months that blur and melt in my mind, Like watercolors on a wet page. This is not where I stop, But it is where I rest, For a moment, a simple moment To watch the sweet sun move an inch. (Pause) The trees all have clothes,    where once they were naked. The grass has grown up emerald,    with tulips and daffies for jewels. My heart has softened    enough to be hurt again. My soul has gained glasses,    the better not to be fooled. Music keeps me awake,    giving light to the shadows, Melodies new and old,    spilling out like beads from a broken chain. So, I have arrived, Or have I? For the moment of sun gazing is gone, I stand blinking like a baby, Thoughts rushing in the quiet. I crossed a bridge I didn't see, And stand on the other side, considering. So, I arrived,      Only to leave again. So much for the seeking, the asking, the dreamin...

The river I cross in the woods, Heart thudding, legs kicking, Is wider than my tired soul        may take me. Be the love that guides me onward, The faith I find among the trees. The trail I follow through this desert Chest aching, feet stumbling, Is longer than all my quick wits         may endure. Be the will that sends me forward, The hope I doubt but say is sure. The safehold I seek on the cliffs , Lungs heaving, arms straining, Is further than all my strength          may bear me, Be the grace that pulls me upward, The truth I know yet cannot see.

I had another meeting with my specialist, and while we both agree that there are still a lot of things wrong with me (Gu, I am looking at you) I am definitely improving all around. We are doubling a dosage of a specific supplement, which means the next couple of weeks will probably be rough. But then, again, none of this is predictable, so maybe I'll be super energetic all the time. After my meeting with her, I came home and had two incredible days. There have been many times in this journey with Lyme when I have wondered what is wrong with my brain. Why can't I remember things? Why is it so hard to move from one task to another? Why do I sometimes feel as though it is impossible for me to think beyond the next few days, or even the next few hours? Lyme has shrunk my ability to think clearly. Lately, though, I keep having these days of clarity and quick thinking. The other night, I marveled at how I could be thinking about making dinner, the book I was reading, what I shoul...

Hey friends! Here is another quick update on all things Lyme and Gu in my life. It's been six weeks since Nichole told me I had Gu Syndrome. The first few weeks after that were hard. I started off too strong with the Gu treatment, taking one pill a day. This resulted in one of the worst days/weeks I have had a long time. I had difficult sleeping, intense brain fog, and a lot of aching in my joints. I now know the following: Serpent Pearls are for every other day, no more, no less. February came, and the headlines read: GIRL DIES FROM WORST HEAD COLD EVER. Not really, but it was pretty awful. I did think my nose might explode from the pressure a few times. Also, I never thought that using a Netti Pot could be so horrific. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say my morning rinses would have been an excellent setting for a scene from Ridley Scott's Alien films. I am currently teaching 39 piano students and also working as a nanny/tutor in the mornings. This ha...

I close the turquoise journal and slide it into the barely available slot next to all my other journals. Writing it was a process I disliked most of the time. After reading it, though, I decide it is one of my favorites, because I can see my growth and change in so many ways. The most obvious one? My handwriting changed directly after my 25th birthday, a literal expression of inner turmoil being worked through and released. My eyes trace the colors and heights of each journal on the shelf. There's the green, thin one from my junior year of college, which is full of poetry. There's a grey one begun my second summer at Windermere, a conference center in Missouri. There's the black and white one from the summer I sold books in Wisconsin with Southwestern advantage. And there's that cream and purple one- I pull it off the shelf, thumbing through it towards the back, looking for a specific entry. After a few moments I find it. September 3, 2012 "My energy has ...