Health Update: Winning

I went to see my specialist this past week, and she didn't find any Lyme. It was the strangest thing. Nicole ran test after test, looking for it everywhere. For a while, we both leaned in towards the screen, watching the readings. After a while, I couldn't handle it anymore and sat back in my chair.

"This is so exciting," Nicole said. "You nervous?"

"Yeah. It's gotta be in there somewhere, right?" I said, not wanting to be disappointed if we did find it.

But that machine kept beeping, and the line kept reading negative. "I can't find it," Nicole said decisively. We both agreed it might be hiding out somewhere, and I still needed to do everything I have been doing up until now to support my body. Delicate flower. That's what I am, with or without Lyme.

 Without Lyme. I felt like I was in someone else's body. How could I not have Lyme? For the longest time I have wanted only to be rid of this illness, and don't get me wrong, I still do. Lyme is something that has been affecting me for the past five years. It has exasperated health problems I had before, and created new ones. It is the reason for much of the loneliness I've experienced. I want to be rid of it, but I am unfamiliar with Rachel-Without-Lyme. Who is she?

After my appointment, I sat in my car and cried, partly out of happiness and thankfulness, and partly out of shock. I've grown used to expecting the worst, of changing my plans because my body fails me. Suddenly Nicole was telling me that my body wasn't failing anymore, that we were winning. I forgot what that was like.

I have spent so much time wanting to be rid of Lyme, thinking, "I can move on with my life after this." The truth is, though, at some point I realized Lyme was changing me in irreversible ways. My views on health, suffering, kindness, success, relationships, and chronic illness are now so different than what they were before Lyme. I can't go back to the way I was before. I can't think about things the way I used to anymore, and I find myself thankful for that.

The next two months are going to be a little scary. I'm not making a ton of plans yet, because I am still a "Delicate Flower." (Saying it with caps makes me feel better about it) Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me over the past few months. It means a lot.

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