Palmtree Contemplations

I close the turquoise journal and slide it into the barely available slot next to all my other journals. Writing it was a process I disliked most of the time. After reading it, though, I decide it is one of my favorites, because I can see my growth and change in so many ways. The most obvious one? My handwriting changed directly after my 25th birthday, a literal expression of inner turmoil being worked through and released. My eyes trace the colors and heights of each journal on the shelf. There's the green, thin one from my junior year of college, which is full of poetry. There's a grey one begun my second summer at Windermere, a conference center in Missouri. There's the black and white one from the summer I sold books in Wisconsin with Southwestern advantage. And there's that cream and purple one- I pull it off the shelf, thumbing through it towards the back, looking for a specific entry. After a few moments I find it. September 3, 2012 "My energy has ...

This is a quick update for anyone interested in my Lyme journey. The past couple of months have been up and down physically. I had a pretty bad bout of bronchitis back in December, and was very unmotivated to do much but rest. Thankfully I was able to do a lot of that and only had to show up for piano lessons in the evenings. Yesterday I went to see my doctor and while there is still a lot going on in my body, we were both pleased by the fact that I was able to fight off the bronchitis with a minimum of antibiotics. A year ago, I would not have been able to do that. When she read for Lyme with the bio meridian machine, it wasn't as strong as it has been the past few times, which was also super encouraging. We decided to take a break from the tinctures I've been taking for that in order to focus on a new, exciting thing we found in my body: Gu Syndrome. Side note: try saying Gu Syndrome, pronounced "Goo Syndrome." It's fun. I only just found out about this sy...

Since moving to Wisconsin I constantly find myself having the following exchange. Me: "So, where does your family live again?" Them: "About twenty minutes from here. Yours?" Me: "Well....." When I was at college, plenty of people had left home to come to school. I am finding, though, that here in Wisconsin, a lot of people have been here for a long time. They belong to that particular group of human I've heard of, but rarely met: Born And Raised. Although, to many of them, I am the rare, the minority. When asked to explain growing up as a missionary kid with "all those other missionary kids", I pause, my tongue seemingly pinned to the back of my teeth. "Well, I guess it's just normal to you, right?" I smile and nod, quietly mulling over this word. Normal: Christmas presents in the mail. Normal: Skype chats, long e-mails, poring over Facebook pictures of people I love. Normal: Four time zones on my phone. Norma...

The Oh Hellos are one of my favorite bands. I love their sound, their lyrics, and can sing along to all of their songs. I was actually supposed to be leaving for their concert in Chicago right now, but instead I am at home getting ready to take a long, hot detox bath. I've been pushing fluids through my body all day, but nothing is taking this headache and general "bleh" away. The fever started last night, which meant that I hardly slept and missed out on a game night. This keeps happening. I make plans, the excitement at doing something fun builds, and then I come down with the flu, or a fever, and I have to make the call to let someone know that I am housebound once again. Making plans quickly turns into "I had plans, but now the plan is to rest until I feel better." It's frustrating. I can't remember the last time I went a few weeks without feeling sick or lacking in energy. I suppose this is an improvement, though. It used be that I couldn'...

Dearest,    Face those facts,    Let them be a part of       Your metabolism.    Do not live in a vacuum,       That is not your life. Dearest,    Face this fact:       In the early time,       when you can't sleep,       I am ready to listen.       Everything is important to me. Dearest,    Face this fact:       Beyond the trees,       there are always more trees. Dearest,    Face this fact:       No one escapes.       No one does not struggle.       We are all wrestlers. Dearest,    I give you this fact:      We will untangle the knots,                    wrestle the frustration,                    vanquish the d...

Wisconsin, it seems, has two types of roads: in need of construction, and currently under construction. The road to Salveo Holistic Wellness belongs to the former, with patches so bumpy I often worry one of my tires is flat. The town of Oconomowoc is beautiful, though, and worth the half hour of bumps. Salveo is located on the second floor of an office building. At one of my first appointments, I had to stop twice on my way up the stairs because I was so tired and out of breath. Today, I take them without stopping. I do pause at the top of the stairs to catch my breath, but that's better than where I was a couple of months ago. When I arrive, Nicole greets me and I settle into the comfortable, leather, patient's chair. "How are you?" she asks, sitting front of the computer and bio-meridian machine. "I'm okay," I say, but I'm tired and not having the best week, and she knows it just from looking at me. "That doesn't sound that grea...

I hate Lyme disease. I hate that I will feel great for a few days and then have a day like today where all I want is to hold my head and make people stop asking speaking because it's just so confusing and I don't understand, or can't quite think of the words I want to say. I hate that I don't want to go up the stairs because it's tiring, and I am so fatigued after hours and hours of sleeping. I hate the sense of loss that holds on to me and reminds me of all the things I'm missing out on. I hate trying to build a community when every other week I feel sick and tired and grouchy. I hate how long distance my life has become, with all the people I love scattered across the world. I hate how careful I have to be about sleep. If I don't get enough sleep, my symptoms are worse. When my symptoms are worse, I don't really want to be social. I just want everyone to stop talking and drink tea. Not exactly conducive behavior for making friends. It's...